Silver Linings Notebook

I often see my therapist via zoom, but today I saw him in person. I’ll tell you his real name because it’s so fun to say: Schmekel. Four glorious consonants in a row before you get to the first vowel.

I arrived in rough shape, worn out from another week of inadequate sleep and excessive coffee. Looking at the floor and at the wall — which I do a lot of when depleted — I reported that, yep, it’s been another week of being behind on everything and not giving my students or family what they deserve, extending my summer-long streak.

Schmekel accepted this doom-and-gloom summary, but also pushed me to identify any positive outcomes from the summer.

Well, I began without enthusiasm, my revisions of my human physiology materials have certainly made them better. My students are benefiting from a more coherent presentation of the material, and I can carry those improvements forward into the coming year.

This point had been on my mind a lot already, so reporting it then did not feel especially revelatory or happy. But, sticking with the human physiology course, I added that the odd circumstances of the summer had led to me co-teaching the course with a colleague, which hardly ever happens, and that she and I had both enjoyed the resulting interactions. For example, when I was revising my circulatory system slides the other night and had a question about the sympatholytic control of blood flow, I called her up and got her perspective — which I could have done anyway, but which felt much less like an imposition when done for the benefit of students we are teaching together.

I felt myself warming to the task of making the silver-linings list.

Come to think of it, I noted, my busy-ness with teaching and consequent lack of time for TQT research had induced me to hand off leadership of a TQT project to a colleague who had been wanting such an opportunity. The colleague deserved the chance, and this was also a chance for me to practice growing the scope of the TQT work by empowering others to do more. While it’s hard for me to step back and cede control in this way, it will ultimately be good for me and good for the research, I think.

Even the rough week “vacationing” in McCall had yielded the actionable insight that my 4-year-old and I still enjoy going on walks together.

Finally, I noted that I had been blogging a lot lately, and that, while it feels irresponsible to pour time I don’t have into this silly hobby, it also feels good. Therapeutic, even.

Let’s see… Had I left anything out?

Schmekel asked how I was feeling now. Better, I admitted, shifting my gaze from the wall to his face. The list of silver linings wasn’t half-bad. The summer had produced more benefits than I had been acknowledging.

Part of me resented Schmekel for using his therapist trickery — you know, asking open-ended questions and acting interested in my answers and all that — to force me into a new perspective. But another part was grateful.