Dr. Ross Greene (not to be confused with circa-2000 TV characters Dr. Ross Geller or Dr. Mark Greene) is a highly influential clinical psychologist. Both of the family’s current therapists respect his work, and I know of at least one smart, thoughtful parent who has found his books invaluable in raising her two sons.
In the sixth edition (2021) of his book The Explosive Child, Dr. Greene begins the second chapter as follows: “You know the things that are commonly said about kids who exhibit concerning behaviors: they’re manipulative, attention-seeking, unmotivated, stubborn, willful, intransigent, bratty, spoiled, controlling, resistant, out of control, and defiant. There’s more: they are skilled at testing limits, pushing buttons, coercing adults into giving in, and getting their way.” After listing some possible traits of the parents of such children, he concludes, “Don’t believe any of it.”
When I read this, I got really irritated. I have a 5-year-old and a 6-year-old who exhibit attention-seeking, limit-testing behavior every single day. Don’t tell me that my own eyes and ears are wrong. That’s not advice; that’s gaslighting.
So what’s going on here? Why does this expert on children seem oblivious to the obvious?
As far as I can tell, what Dr. Greene really objects to is, first, defining kids according to their worst behaviors, and, second, viewing them as mere collections of behaviors to be shaped by parents doling out rewards and punishments as if training pets.
He’s right, of course, that kids who misbehave aren’t inherently bad, and that parenting cannot consist solely of dispensing rewards and punishments. We need to teach our kids the core values and skills underlying the desired behaviors, and his ideas on collaborative problem solving are useful in that context.
Still, those lofty goals fade quickly when my kids are out of control, screaming or pushing me or running away or all of the above. In those moments, all I really want to do is to get through the next minute without saying or doing anything I’ll regret. In those moments, what has been most useful is the specter of a possible penalty. A warning that is fair, and that is delivered calmly and concisely, but that cuts through the haze of their rage and gets their attention. Something like “no videos until you can apologize” or “no dessert unless you clean up the floor.”
I don’t feel great about using arbitrary ad-hoc penalties. But when the next minute seems to stretch on forever, it’s one way to re-start the clock.
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