Gregorio del Laboratorio answers your questions about dating

December 11, 2007

Q. I’ve been dating this woman whose personality is somewhat bland, but she’s extremely hot. Should I ask her to marry me?

A. Before you decide, remember the Second Law of Thermodynamics: over time, hotness cools.

Q. I’m going out with this guy who’s very different from me. He’s always late whereas I’m very punctual, he’s reticent while I’m gregarious, and so on. Our many differences make me wonder whether we’re right for each other. But isn’t there some inviolable principle of physics that says that opposites attract?

A. Most scientists now consider the “bar magnet” model of human interaction to be inadequate. The preferred current model is that of the enzyme-substrate complex. In brief, you and your partner should complement each other physically, and physical proximity should lead to chemical changes. But beware of competitive inhibitors!

Q. My significant other is expecting some sort of holiday gift. What should I get?

A. Try an offering of free radicals, free energy, or free fatty acids. You’ll score points for both science literacy and frugality.


  1. molto divertente e un po' da "secchione"…simpatico, ma secchione…

  2. Gregorio,And after you have them married, please refer them to: Why men don't write advice columns….LOLDear Walter,I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for workleaving husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn'tgone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out andthe car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband'shelp. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in thebedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. Iam 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into theback yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue, butfound her unconscious . He'd carried the woman back to our house,laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediatelybegan thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to breakfree when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them hadany clothes on, he broke down and admitted that they had beenhaving an affair for the past six months.I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his jobsix months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasinglydepressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since Igave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don'tfeel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?SheilaDear Sheila,A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused bya variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that thereis no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuumpipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all groundingwires. If none of these approaches solve the problem, it could bethat the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressureto the carburetor float chamber.I hope this helps.Walter

  3. Q: I recently got divorced and my former wife took everything I owned. I now met a nice woman, but she lives in a different state. I have no car, there is no public transportation and I can't afford to fly. Any advice?A: Try using the citric acid cycle. It usually runs on carbohydrates, but if you can't afford those, free fatty acids work almost equally well.Q: I don't know what to get many of my friends for Christmas. I need something for the following people:* My friend Dave, who has been really lazy lately.- I suggest Boron.* Martha came back from Africa with malaria.- Give her Helium … or Curium* My brother's sister in law is a comedian and recently got convicted for possesion of pot.- Silicon would be in order* Matt, who has been a policeman for 15 years.- definitely copper!* My buddy Franz Josef Waldschmitt.- Germanium would be a good bet* And Chaques Morceau?- I'd go will Gallium.* John always helps people in need. He's just the most compassionate person I know.- A _good_ amount of Samarium* Emma is one of the most patriotic people I know.- Americium* My in-laws both went to Stanford and have season tickets for both football and women's basketball. I hate their guts, but I have to give them _something_.- I suggest Berkelium.

  4. Sr. del Laboratorio's advice was moderately decent. My fractured translation of the first comment gave me little help. How I rue submitting the Dear Walter "car repair" advice as it dropped the quality at least one notch. Now, the latest comment has made me aware how "elemental" some advice can be 🙂

  5. I've met someone and we agreed to go slow for 6 months. We have had 5 meetings not officially dates. Privately we talked and kissed, but, have not done "IT". We have in common Values and Martial Arts and Matching Senses of Humor. He is 42 I am 38. My BRIGHT!! idea is that after 6 months we could ask each other if we like each other. Then IF TRUE(i am a programmer) maybe ask each other if we want to go to the next level. Did my right idea wipe-out!! the MAGICAL *SPARKS*? I think he is "HOT HOT HOT". He told me I am georgeous. But wait a second…. the deadly happened and he said the #1 thing he likes about me the most is … my "PERSONALITY". Is that a sign that I am less than what pretty is? Did my bright idea KILL ALL the essential fundamental microbes of romance and passion? As a MAN a REAL GLADIATOR RUNNING MAN MAN what do you think?

  6. Tamara Mattson: The very limited data you present do not disprove the hypothesis that he wants a romantic relationship with you. Further research is needed. In the meantime, I refer you to the seminal (though fictitious) work of Harry Burns (1989), who said, "Look, if you would ask me, 'What does she look like?' and I said, 'She has a good personality,' that means she's not attractive. But just because I happened to mention that she has a good personality, she could be either. She could be attractive with a good personality, or not attractive with a good personality."

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